crazy

Pregnant people everywhere...

Seriously what is going on? There are soooo many of my friends and relatives that are pregnant it's like some sort of craziness... Needless to say it seems like there was something in the water... Don't get me wrong I am very happy for all of them and wish them all the happiness with their pooping and sleeping bundles.. (hehe)

I am still full of cold and ickness, I have seemingly lost most of my voice today, which is actually rather funny, cause it means I'm croaking and when I do speak it's very much deep and raspy... Also so very funny to me... However this whole feeling grotty thing has given me time to relax but also to plough through several books that have been sat on my kindle for a while so it's good to get them read and to have the chance to vanish off into a fantasy world..

Oh hum

a bit of everything (some venting)

This post comes with a warning. L&J please don't take this personally I just need to vent my feelings


I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and well I don't know exactly what to do or where to turn... 

One of my friends is going through a very rough patch and to be honest I don't know quite how to take them, and their issues, yes they are very real and they do cause them a lot of upset but sometimes it seems like they want the world to pity them and for it all to be about them.  
I know that this is actually not the case and they are needing the support from us and those around them and this is what they get. I do feel for them and the situation they are going through, it's not completely dissimilar to that of the one my hubby and I are going through. Their infertility is actually sort of up in the air which I think makes it a little bit harder for me, especially as mine is not. Mine is 100% and that's not going to change.

The fact that we haven't heard a single thing from any of the adoption agencies is starting to play tricks on my mind, and to be honest my mind doesn't need any extra influence from outside influences to make it hate itself and me, so I am having to find a whole lot of grounding stuff at the moment. 

I'll be find once I get to work and once I'm occupied again, it's just the interim that I'm going to find harder to deal with.. Role on Friday and the start of the next step in my work progress... 

On a more positive note.. I had a good trip out to the theater on Saturday with my mum to see the Phantom of the Opera, which was amazing. We've booked some tickets for several other shows that are coming up this year, which is good.. Including CATS which we are seeing with my mother and her partner again.

I have however got some sort of stupid cold or something at the moment, I spent yesterday, feeling sore and grotty and overly tired, I don't feel quite so bad today, it's more just snotty and sore throat and a bit tired, but hopefully whatever it is, is passing..      

 

quick take 5

 

conversion diary

~*1*~
I've had several interviews this week and they have gone very well.. I now have a new job and start it on the 1st of February. It's at the amazing and wonderful place and I can't wait to actually start..

~*2*~
I've started doing volunteering at the nursery and I'm thoroughly enjoying it... I got covered in sand and paint today and it was fun. We played various games and we had a lot of time reading different books.

~*3*~
I've also started my accounting course. I'm finding it very interesting and am looking forward to doing more towards it...

~*4*~
It is only 8 weeks (I think) until we get to go off to the Dominican Republic for our honeymoon.. It's going to be good fun and a hopefully warmer than it is here in the uk at the moment (granted not that it's that cold here at the moment compared to some places)

~*5*~
I'm off to see Phantom of the Opera tomorrow with my mum, which should indeed be a good and I'm looking forward to it, and I think my mum is.. (not sure though)

~*6*~
We went to yet another information evening on monday, and this time we both came away feeling a lot more positive and actually willing to get the invite for the home visit faster so that we could start with them, they seem like such a good team despite their small size.. hopefully it'll mean good things when it actually happens.

~*7*~
I haven't actually done any of my patchwork this week, which has been rather annoying, I seem to find myself having loads of things to do early in the morning by which point when I get home I just sort of crash and watched random tv..  

Amazing...

Wow.

I have had an amazing morning. I was at the nursery this morning, I've been allocated to the 2-3 year olds which are amazing and has secured my mind that this is the age group that I'd want to adopt, the age where they are just about to getting to grips with the world but are still very cuddley and needing the comfort from an adult... I feel amazing, I had no reservations towards what was going or getting in there with the kids and actually helping them, I read the same book about 5 times and helped them dress up as various animals all of which were very cute.. We had times outside and times in the messy room playing with paint and playdoh. It was really good fun.

On another note, I have the brownies christmas do this evening which should be a good laugh and good fun, and then tomorrow I'm off to do my CRB (more in a min) and then I have the book keeping course in the evening.. On friday I'm back at the nursery doing an afternoon, so I will have done both.

 I haven't arranged next weeks shifts yet because I'm not sure what I'll be doing but hopefully I'll be able to do a couple of days next week as well and then I'll be well and truly in there and getting the experience needed. I shall be doing nappy changes in the next couple of weeks but at the moment they just want me to get my bearing and be comfortable so I'm glad of that, and I've got the opportunity to spend time with the younger ones as well, which will probably try and do as well.

On the more in a min point. I have a new job. I have been given the job at the amazing care home that I was in awe of, so this is amazing news and I can't wait to actually get in there and do the work... it's amazing news

getting it out of my head

Do you ever have days where you wish the world would just let you be and not need you to actually have anything to do with it at all... 

The past couple of days my emotions have been from amazed to down in the dumps. I don't know quite where I feel like this or why... 

I had an interview yesterday at an amazing care home, I felt amazed and enthused and frankly like this is where I wanted to work and would fit in and just feel like part of a team.. last night we went to another adoption information evening which also was very informative and has actually made us more confident towards going with them and taking the steps forward, so hopefully we'll hear from them soon and it'll be one more step in the right direction.
Then today well I had another interview at a nursing home, and you know when you've been somewhere and it was amazing and then you step into the dreariness of old and horribleness, well that was pretty much what it seemed like today.

I then got home and it was like the world had collapsed. There were piles of washing up, the whole house needs cleaning and I just don't know where to start. I've done the washing up (thus the there were) but now I just can't get the motivation to do anything else. I haven't got the motivation to take any steps to change this feeling that I've got. 

I feel like a failure, I feel guilty that my hubby ended up with me, especially as I am so infertile and he wants a family, he wants to be the dad at the birth who is crying when they get to hold their child for the first time, and I feel horrible for being the person who is stopping him from ever having that. I hate myself for that. 

Don't get me wrong I'm not having any sort of suicidal doubts, or any self harm doubts, I'm just feeling low in myself, if only I could change that one thing about myself.. oh well wishful thinking and ramblings of a crazy person.